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Some levity from church bulletin faux pas

Because we are living in strange and uncertain times, I thought I’d dedicate this column to bringing a smile to your face. The topic for today is misprints in church bulletins and this collection has appeared elsewhere many times. So, today’s column isn’t original, but I hope you’ll get a good chuckle from these unfortunate typos, misspellings, infelicitous placing of phrases and unfortunate grammatical structures.

• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

• Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

• Last Sunday, Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

• For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs a blood donor for more transfusions. She is also having some trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

• The Rector will preach his farewell message on Sunday after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”

• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in the school days.

• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to the choir practice.

• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

• The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. – prayer and medication to follow.

• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

• This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

• The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.

• And finally, The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

JULIA PALMER is an associate professor of modern languages at Hampden-Sydney College. Her email address is jpalmer@hsc.edu.