Some levity from church bulletin faux pas
Published 6:00 am Saturday, April 11, 2020
Because we are living in strange and uncertain times, I thought I’d dedicate this column to bringing a smile to your face. The topic for today is misprints in church bulletins and this collection has appeared elsewhere many times. So, today’s column isn’t original, but I hope you’ll get a good chuckle from these unfortunate typos, misspellings, infelicitous placing of phrases and unfortunate grammatical structures.
• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
• Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
• Last Sunday, Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs a blood donor for more transfusions. She is also having some trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
• The Rector will preach his farewell message on Sunday after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in the school days.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to the choir practice.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. – prayer and medication to follow.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
• This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
• The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.
• And finally, The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”
JULIA PALMER is an associate professor of modern languages at Hampden-Sydney College. Her email address is firstname.lastname@example.org.