An historic find in an old Philadelphia warehouse has revolutionized our understanding of the forces aligned against the Declaration Of Independence.

The previously unknown Super Christian Patriots Party opposed the Declaration of Independence, printing pamphlets claiming it was actually designed to make the 13 colonies totally dependent on King George III.

A chest of Super Christian Patriots Party documents contained several copies of the pamphlet that categorizes Thomas Jefferson and the other Founding Fathers as “disloyal crown kissers” intent on gutting the welfare of those living in the 13 colonies.

Despite the fact that the Declaration of Independence declared independence and rallied the colonists to fight for and win independence, the Super Christian Patriots Party, even after the Revolutionary War was over, claimed utter dependence was the Declaration of Independence's ultimate goal.

The Declaration of Independence famously begins with the words “When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume, among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal state to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them…”

The Super Christian Patriots Party jumped on those words like great big jumping things.

“When in the course,” the Super Christian Patriots Party writes, “doesn't say when.

“It just says when.

“It doesn't say when when is. It is duping the people into believing that when is now. But all it says is when. When in the course.

'But where's the beef Wellington? There is no when-when situation. When could be any time, far furlongs off in the distant future. So straight away Jefferson and his unpatriotic gang were bent on destroying us all.”

The Super Christian Patriots also ripped Jefferson and the signers for their use of the word assume.

“And to assume, among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal state to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them,” said the party's pamphlet. “Assume?

“Don't they believe?

“Do they doubt?

“Have they no sense of patriotism at all? Assumption only? Well, the first three letters of assume describe Jefferson and his scheming pals.”

Jefferson was also called idolatrous and anti-Christian for referring to nature's God.

“Why not our God?

“Why nature's God?” the Super Christian Patriots Party asked.

“Doesn't he believe in our God, or is it just nature's God he believes in?

“What's Jefferson got against our God? Our God is the best. Better than anyone else's.

“Isn't our God good enough for Thomas Jefferson?”

Jefferson was then labeled a liberal socialistic scallywag bent on creating a welfare state dependent on the king's gold because he used the word “entitle.”

“What's all that about 'entitle them'?

“It's all about setting up some kind of new deal entitlement system. Entitle this and entitle that. Those people like Jefferson can't be convinced to take personal responsibility and care for their lives.

“Our job is not to worry about those people,” the Super Christian Patriots Party wrote.

The Super Christian Patriots Party also disputed Jefferson's assertion that all men are created equal, arguing, “not 47 percent of them. Only 53 percent are created equal. The people like us.”

Jefferson was hammered, too, for “flagrant and malevolently intentional ambiguity” by writing that all men are endowed with “certain inalienable rights” and that “among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

“That's only three rights.

“Where are the others?

“What's he done to the others?

“Don't the others count?

“He must have given our other rights to the king.”

They also raised something they called “the birther question,” saying, “Jefferson's not one of us. You know that, don't you? He's not one of us at all.

“He wasn't born here, you know. Not in Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love. No, sir. He was born down in Virginia. We've seen the birth certificate. He can't be writing a Declaration of Independence for Philadelphia.”

Jefferson, they also argued, intentionally used the phrase certain inalienable rights.

“That means he believes all the rights that aren't certain can be taken away by King George III, all the rights but life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That's too much uncertainty,” the Super Christian Patriots Party pamphlet states.

“Trust us,” the Super Christian Patriots Party concludes, “if Thomas No Middle Name Jefferson is ever elected president or crown prince he will hand this nation right over to the King of England and Armageddon will sweep the seven seas. Our world will end. We will never survive with the likes of Thomas Jefferson at the helm.”

(Editor's note: Despite the specificity of the Declaration of Independence and the clarity of what was being said, the Super Christian Patriots Party maintained its opposition to Jefferson and the Declaration of Independence for nearly three decades after independence was won from Great Britain. Jefferson served two terms as president, without bringing on the end of the United States of America or the world. He also compiled The Jefferson Bible, or The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth).