Attack Of The Killer Watermelons

Published 2:14 pm Thursday, June 16, 2011

The 1978 cult comedy classic, Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes, took a surreally accurate swipe at B-movies and had one of the most hilariously silly scenes ever filmed:

A law enforcement agent disguised as a tomato gives himself away when he foolishly asks several killer tomatoes, with whom he is eating and hopes to infiltrate, if they would pass the catsup. Those were his last words barring a brief and horrified “Ayyyyyyeeeee!!!”

Life often imitates art and this spring has seen watermelons literally exploding in Jiangsu province farms.

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And they're not supposed to do that.

Huge watermelons just going bang in the night and day, turning Chinese farm fields into mine fields.

Some Chinese authorities blamed overuse of chemical fertilizer, explaining that the rapidly growing melons just couldn't contain themselves, much like some members of Congress.

But Wang Dehong has two decades of farming, doesn't use chemicals, and his watermelons began randomly exploding, too, according to official verifiable news reports.

Nor is this an isolated case of one watermelon here and another in the farm down the road detonating, sending seeds, rind and juicy fruit gumming up everything. Liu Mingsuo told the Xinhua news agency that more than two-thirds of his crop had blown up. Over 180 of his watermelons blew up in one day.

Imagine walking down the produce aisle and watermelons start exploding. Or you open your refrigerator door for a glass of milk and the watermelon on the bottom shelf reenacts good military tactics gone bad-the spring break version.

Exploding grapes would be startling enough.

Detonating watermelons, yes, could make a hit on the Fourth of July. Some might even pay extra for such “stunt melons” to celebrate Independence Day, in lieu of the more expensive and often illegal fireworks.

“And the rockets red glare,

watermelons bursting in air,

gave fruit through the night

that our flag was still there…”

But how boring to sit for eight hours on July 4th with friends and neighbors waiting for the watermelon to explode. “Oh, let's just eat it instead, and light a red, white and blue candle.”

If wars had to be fought with watermelons there would be a lot of peace.

Everything can be put to evil use, of course, and one imagines laws being passed to prevent carrying a concealed watermelon in public, were watermelons our last line of self-defense.

The right to bear watermelons might become sacred to our democracy and vital to a well-regulated militia. Eat enough watermelons, exploding or not, and the militia would be quite well regarding regularity. An abundance of fruit works wonders. Give us a militia that is well regularity-wise or give us, no, not death. Death's too extreme and you can't return it for a refund if it doesn't fit.

Fear and loathing after dark in crime-ridden areas would be transformed, on the other hand, with watermelons used as guns, the mugger coming around a dark corner holding a 20-pound melon, demanding your cash, credit cards, and AARP discount coupons.

Refuse and the mugger would demand that you not move a muscle for the next five minutes or five hours until the watermelon, he hopes, explodes, forgetting what it would do to his own sartorial splendor. But just say 'Go” or pull out your own concealed watermelon.

A fruit-out at the OK Corral.

Yes, the sinister side-effect is obvious and there is real danger to life, liberty, and our pursuit of high blood pressure.

Mankind will create weapons with the tools at hand. Today it's watermelons. Tomorrow? Well, those who quickly adapt, like all great moments in human history-the Trump comb-over, for example-rule the world.

If watermelons can explode then so can peaches and their deadly flying pits could change warfare as we know it. From peaches to grapefruits, from kumquats to, ultimately, pomegranates, will take but a generation of genuine thinkers and then humanity will be down to its rind, subscribing to Seeds And Ammo and wondering how we got eggplant all over our face.

I know not what course others may take-an appetizer or dessert are options-but as for me give me a smaller, more docile vegetable. The kind of vegetable Ghandi would grow.

Yes, all I am saying is give peas a chance.

In the meantime, pass the melon balls.