This Turkey Wants To Be Defriended

Published 4:30 pm Thursday, November 25, 2010

The Herald today scoops the media world-tongue thankfully in cheek-with several spoonfuls of mashed potatoes, stuffing and apple cobbler.

And in an additional scoop-this interview with Tanya, the official Thanksgiving Turkey of the Federated Union of Creative Leftovers And Surplus Holiday Cuisine Suppliers.

Herald: What is your first Thanksgiving memory?

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Turkey: Gobble, gobble.

Herald: Yes, mine too. All of that food to eat. What is your favorite aspect of Thanksgiving?

Turkey: Living to see another Thanksgiving, actually. Put yourself in my place. I mean to say, if it weren't for this Official Thanksgiving Turkey gig with the Federated Union of Creative Leftovers And Surplus Holiday Cuisine Suppliers I might be pushing up cranberries this year, myself.

Herald: Do you agree, then, with Jack Nicholson's character in Going South that Poulty is just another way of saying chicken? Not poultry, mind you, but Poulty.

Turkey: Some of my best friends are chickens and if you've ever read The Collected Sonnets And Haiku From The Henhouse (Third Edition) you might not make such lame jokes.

Herald: Breast or thigh?

Turkey: Excuse me, mister?

Herald: Breast or thigh, what's your favorite?

Turkey: I'm equally fond of all my body parts, and those of my friends and, quite frankly, I find that question in dubious, if not poor, taste.

Herald: Speaking of dubious taste, I had a turkey once out of a can and it tasted more like something you'd find inside a baseball.

Turkey: How many times have you eaten a baseball?

Herald: I could never hit them but I was able to get hit by them. Once right between the eyes in the forehead.

Turkey: Baseball being our national past-time, did you know Benjamin Franklin wanted to make us turkeys the National Bird instead of the bald eagle?

Herald: That would have solved all of your Thanksgiving meal worries. People don't eat the national bird. They may give other people the bird but they don't eat it.

Turkey: If only they'd had Facebook, Twitter and YouTube back in the 18th Century, all of us turkeys could have mounted quite a forceful publicity campaign. We turkeys can tweet because you don't have to type many letters with tweets and spelling doesn't matter at all.

Herald: I don't know why Franklin didn't invent Twitter and Facebook. If Al Gore could invent the Internet, you know? And Franklin invented so much else and helped Thomas Jefferson with the Declaration of Independence.

Turkey: Can you imagine tweeting the Declaration of Independence today?

Herald: LOL. Wninthcrsohumevts-what a great opening. And that classic truth in the second sentence-almnrcreaql.

Turkey: Say, I've got an idea. Why not start a Facebook page campaign now to “defriend” or “un-friend” turkeys from Thanksgiving next year?

Herald: Great idea. But defriend, if you want to be hip. Unfriend is so 2009. And we could also email everyone in America a lot of spam next November.

Turkey: Wouldn't their Internet providers filter the spam out?

Herald: Maybe, but then there wouldn't be all those problems with leftovers, having to repackage Thanksgiving dinner 117 ways.

Turkey: The Federated Union of Creative Leftovers And Surplus Holiday Cuisine Suppliers aren't going to like it and I'll lose my “official” status, not to mention the paid holidays.

Herald: Who needs a union for leftovers? Let them eat cake.

Turkey: Gobble, gobble.

Herald: Couldn't have said it better myself.