Shaflin Again

Published 5:47 pm Thursday, November 18, 2010

Ring. Ring.

Hello. You're looking for Rob Chapman?

May I ask who's calling?

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Anonymous, you say.

Well, Chapman's unavailable. May I help you?

Who am I?

Shaflin. Rob Shaflin at your service.

Hello, folks, it's me again, Rob Shaflin. For those of you who seem to get confused like Mike Shanahan explaining why he really benched Donovan McNabb at the end of the we-really-want-to-forget Lions game, I'll remind you. I'm Chapman's alter ego. The voice that never speaks.

Well, almost never. I have a way of getting out when he least expects it. I tied him up one time, clonked him on the head another-whatever it takes to get my voice heard.

This time, however, that Chapman, he's chock full of surprises. He actually let me out the other day. You see Chapman, he don't have no secretary and he needs someone to handle his phone calls on those stressful deadline sort of days and he turned the duties over to me. (Go figure? I really didn't hit him this time, honest!)

Shaflin, unlike Chapman, likes answering the phone. Chapman, he's so polite, he has trouble hanging up on telemarketers. Shaflin, well, he likes to have a little fun.


Oh, look, here comes my first call now.

Caller: Hello, may I speak with Mr. Boss.

Shaflin: So you'd like to speak to Mr. Springsteen?

Caller: Sure, or your office manager. Have we got a deal for your business…

(Old Shaflin don't like no unsolicited calls throwing a wrench in Chapman's deadline duties. It would be easy to tell 'em to take a hike or introduce them to the American clicker, but Shaflin thinks it would be good to turn the tables.)

Shaflin: Mr. Boss is out touring, maybe Shaflin can help ya. Howz about them Redskins?

Caller: Redskins?

Shaflin: Yep. Redskins, Shaflin's favorite team-America's football team. Never heard their song? Chapman'll sing it to ya: Hail to the Redskins! Hail victory! Braves on the Warpath! Fight for Old D.C.! (Shaflin can do a lot of things but singing isn't one of 'em. That ought to get Mr. Telemarketer goin'.)

Caller: Listen Mr. Shaflin-it is Shaflin, right?

Shaflin: Yep, that's my name, don't wear it out.

Caller: Mr. Shaflin, I didn't call to talk football, or do you folks call it soccer there?

Shaflin: Nope. It's football.

Caller: I want to talk some business, so if you'll transfer me…

Shaflin: Transfer? Hey, old Chapman used to work on those things with his dad as a boy. Big trucks. Diesel engines. Greasy fifth wheels. Black oil. Texas tea. Don't know if Shaflin can connect you, though.

Caller: Just transfer me to…

Shaflin: Manhattan Transfer? Don't know their number. Shaflin don't think you can get there from here.

Caller: All we want to do is offer you this great business…

Shaflin: You trying to give old Shaflin the business? Careful, now, I'm going to sick Eddie Haskell on you, isn't that right Beav?


Guess he didn't really want the business after all. Heh, heh.