The Sky Is Falling: What's The Wurst That Can Happen?

Published 2:30 pm Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Defense Intelligence Agency, the CIA, and a Virginia meat shop The Wurst We Can Do are all silent on the sky-falling paranormal phenomena reported across the region on July 27.

A day that will live, if not in infamy, then on calendars across the entire planet and in the memory of those who remember what happened when they recall it at a later date.

There are reports that it rained but that, of course, is impossible and does nothing to explain the strange wet reflecting things on the ground in which one could see the clouds, a rainbow, or the puzzled look on one's own face.

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Rain? Yeah, right.

Rain. I mean, what is rain, anyway? A myth, mister.

The Defense Intelligence Agency and the CIA each declined comment because their job is to decline making public comments, a responsibility we can only assume, given the lack of public comment, that they take very seriously because they have made no public comment.

We did receive 77,000 tweets and several YouTube videos chock full of anonymous sky-is-falling DIA and CIA comments and we are organizing them now for publication at a later date.

There is no reason, admittedly, for the meat shop to be mentioned at all but we are not asking the authorities to investigate why The Wurst We Can Do appears on this page; there is not even a sausage link to the website. Besides, my financial interest in that meat shop is not all that significant and you can order up to 50 pounds of liverwurst on line and via a toll-free number as long as you pay for it in advance and pick up the order yourself for delivery. But, again, why even mention it?

In more than several interviews across the region, residents in Buckingham, Cumberland, and Prince Edward reported the same common occurrence-they were dry and then they went outside on July 27 and got wet because something was falling from the sky. They continued to get more wet, furthermore, until they went back inside, at which point they stopped getting wet, though they were still wet from having gotten wet outside prior to going outside.

Yes, obviously it's all very complicated but does that sound like rain to you?

No, of course not.

Emails received here also support claims that anyone who went outside on July 27 got wet.

Truly bizarre.

Nor was it just people who got wet. To be transparently clear: things that aren't people got wet, too, and someone delivering a 50-pound order of liverwurst in Farmville, though why even mention liverwurst? My financial stake in the business, needlessly and flagrantly flaunted again (The Wurst We Can Do is taking holiday orders now) is not worth making a public comment upon. If it were important, the DIA and CIA would be making no public comment on it at all and…oh).

Sadly, some people took advantage of the paranormal phenomena situation to use a relic called, I am told on competent authority, an umbrella. They walked outside and, so they claimed, remained dry while others went outside and got wet. Dry just because they had an umbrella.

I, too, am disheartened that anyone tried to pretend it was raining by resorting to such subterfuge. They were simply creating a false impression, dashing hopes like spices dashed in a liverwurst recipe.

True, the ground also got wet and, in the case of holes, depressions or indentations in the ground (like a liverwurst-shaping log mold) those all filled-no, not with liverwurst-with a kind of liquid mirror-ish substance.

Some sarcastically referred to those paranormal phenomena as “puddles,” as if anyone would put a leash on that statement and walk it around the block like it were real. Probably the same people parading around in public with umbrellas, though if they were on their way to The Wurst We Can Do we would surely understand.

The bottom line? Seriously, not that much of an investment, so I don't pay attention to profits.

But until the DIA and CIA leak their information, the rest of us should go on living our lives and if we get wet again, so be it.

We can live with that.

Whatever it is.

If the wurst happens, spread it on a cracker and enjoy.