Ho, ho, ho, it’s a new year

Published 8:57 am Thursday, December 29, 2016

I’m not sure whether 2016 was especially challenging or if its press agent simply chose to portray it that way. In either case, I’d like to help the new year begin on a more cheerful note. So, as 2017 knocks at the door, let’s start with this:

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?


Ya who?

I’m happy to see you, too.

Planning a celebratory dinner party? If the folks who named the walkie talkie had been responsible for naming silverware, a proper place setting would include a stabbie grabbie, a slicie dicie and a soupie scoupie.

Here’s one appropriate for Farmville’s status as the nation’s first two-college town: How do you get an English major (or music, or art, or sociology, etc.) off your front porch? Pay for the pizza.

And, for all the English majors out there, here’s a reading list for the coming year: “Bear Attack!” by Ben Eaton; “Let’s Try Skydiving,” by Hugo Furst, “Conquering Credit Card Debt,” by Owen Lotz; and “Dancing 101,” by Sheik Yerbouti.

Speaking of books, two famous heroes, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson, went camping. In the middle of the night, gazing into the star spangled sky overhead, Holmes shook his companion awake and asked: “Dr. Watson, look up. What do you see?” “I see millions of stars,” Watson replied in awe. “And what does that suggest to you?” Holmes prodded. Watson thought for a moment and replied, “I see by the constellations, that it is summer. I note the absence of clouds, so I predict clear weather for tomorrow. I also observe that the universe is vast, and we are but small players on an immense stage. What does it suggest to you, my dear Mr. Holmes?” “Watson, you fool, someone has stolen our tent!”

If you prefer golfing, this one’s for you: Moses and Jesus decided to play a round of golf. Jesus’ first shot landed in a bunker. Moses handed him a 9-iron, but Jesus rejected it. “In this kind of sand, Arnold Palmer would use a 6-iron.” Sure enough, with a 6-iron, Jesus made a perfect shot. On the next hole, Jesus teed off and landed in the rough. Moses handed him a 7-iron, but again Jesus rejected the offered club. “In this kind of grass, Arnold Palmer would use a wedge.” And with a wedge, Jesus made a perfect shot. At the next hole, Jesus teed off and the ball splashed in the water. He walked out on the water to see exactly where the ball had landed. Another golfer strolled by, and in amazement asked Moses, “Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?” “No,” Moses sighed, “He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.”

That’s an old joke. In fact, the first time I heard it, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur. Which reminds me … What did the thesaurus have for breakfast? A synonym bun.

Oh, you wanted actual dinosaur jokes. What do you call a loudly sleeping dinosaur? A bronto-snore-us. What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig? Jurassic pork. What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a groundhog? A very large hole in your garden. Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens hadn’t yet been invented.

But, why did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein said it didn’t. The road passed beneath the chicken. Mark Twain said the news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. Douglas Adams responded, 42.

So, how many folk musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to change the bulb and four to write songs commemorating the old bulb. How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? An entire congress. One to hold the bulb, one to make a motion that it be changed, and the others to debate the issue until the room spins.

A rabbi, a priest, a minister and an imam, along with a shaman, a priestess, and a guru, walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks, “Is this a joke?”

I hope it’s no joke. I hope this is a year when we can walk together in peace.

Karen Bellenir, a Farmville resident since 2009, blogs for Pier Perspectives at PierPress.com and serves as editorial director for Wordwright LLC (www.Wordwrightllc.com). Her email address is kbellenir@wordwrightllc.com.