My National Security Agency Leaks Go On

Published 3:36 pm Thursday, June 27, 2013

After wrestling with my conscience for weeks, I have decided that, for the good of this beloved nation, I cannot continue to withhold certain vital information from the American people.

Edward Snowden was on the cover of the June 24 issue of Time for his release of National Security Agency (NSA) emails regarding government surveillance. But that is not even the tip of the iceberg lettuce and so I, too, become a geek who leaks.

I expect to be vilified and forced to flee to Hong Kong, as well, harried for the rest of my days by Dick Cheney and the ghost of Julia Child, but I here I leak:

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I have discovered, online and after extensive hacking, these facts which I now, at grave risk to myself, make public.

First, a note of caution.

Individually, the items on this list may seem inscrutable, like some kind of intricate code. Bingo. Precisely. The words comprise a cryptic message.

Collectively, in fact, they may be beyond the comprehension of those who believe James Bond is just some character in a series of books and films. The NSA wants it that way. The spymasters would like nothing more than to keep us all ignorant of the potentially gut-wrenching consequences of what I am about to reveal.

I promise you, however, to explain the true meaning of this secret code. I will not participate in a recipe for disaster and therefore I am leaking the following information from deep inside the top-secret bowels of the inner sanctum of the NSA.

The agency's cafeteria, which I am sure is simply a cover for its covert cryptologic intelligence cyber command center.

Lock your doors and pull down the shades.

Here goes:

One cup of chopped leeks, using only the white part of the leek.

One cup of milk.

Two-thirds of a cup of water.

One-quarter cup of cream.

Three tablespoons of butter.

One teaspoon of chicken stock.

One medium potato, boiled.

Chopped chives, to garnish.

I know the revelation of this coded cryptology from the NSA will be hard for the Obama administration to digest.

But let me continue to explain before anyone forgets due process.

As disconcerting and top secret as the items on that list are, by themselves they mean little or nothing in the world of espionage and international intrigue, not without decipher code. As always, it is what you do with them once you understand their meaning that matters. Like mixing uranium-235 and plutonium-239 with certain isotopes.

I am sorry, President Obama, but these words must see the light of day:

In a suitable skillet, one of the correct size, melt the butter and do so over medium heat.

Baffling, I know, but let's continue.

Then cook the leeks in that same skillet, not a different one, for five minutes, and after synchronizing your watches. Setting the oven timer is an added security measure.

Add the chicken stock and the water, afterwards bringing this combination of liquids to a boil before reducing the heat.

Cover and let them simmer for 10 minutes. Not nine minutes, nor 11. For 10 minutes.

The numerology is meant to distract from the code, itself. We carry on.

Next, stir in the milk and also the cream.

A wooden spoon, I have discovered, is best. Don't ask me why. There are limits to what I will disclose. Yes, even for me, who has now gone beyond the hope of national repatriation. I was a Boy Scout once and still hold certain tenets of that oath to be sacred.

But I will, at great personal risk, reveal this:

Now add the potato, after mashing it or putting it in a blender. If you mash it, use a simple fork for greater consistency.

At this stage the NSA personnel garnish with chives and I do not disagree.

The final step is up to you. Admittedly, the information I have disclosed may be hard to swallow.

So I recommend adding salt and/or pepper to taste. How much salt or pepper is a question that each of us, however difficult, must answer for ourselves. After all, we must live with the consequences of our decision.

Before fleeing into exile, I make this promise. If the CIA does not track me down like a footprint, I will take further steps to blow the lid off all this hush-hush leeking that so dominates the alleged cafeteria at the NSA.

Here is my itinerary and what I hope to disclose if I can find a public access Internet portal in these locations, but don't tell the cyberspace command counter-intelligence agents:

Hong Kong-Braised leeks with

truffle oil.

Madrid-Baked leeks topped by grated Parmesan cheese.

Ipswich Town-Leek tart with whipped cream…

…Hark! A knocking on the door. I fear it is too late.

Agents abound with alacrity.

Bowl me over.

I am the leak de jour.

Must push 'print' before they cuff me.

There. Done. Whatever else happens I know that the truth…..

(This is NSA special agent Campbell, folks. Enjoy the soup, tear this column up into tiny, little pieces, swallow them, and forget these leeks ever happened.)