Six Weeks Of One Season? That's A Hearty Ha-Ha
Published 3:53 pm Thursday, February 7, 2013
Why bother with Groundhog Day anymore?
So what if Punxsutawney Phil did or did not see his shadow on Saturday?
There is no way we're going to have six more weeks of winter or six weeks of early spring.
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We will never have six weeks of any one season or stretch of weather ever again.
What we are going to keep having is all the seasons every week at once.
Six more weeks of we have no idea what's going to happen with the weather.
We don't have global warming.
What we have is global warmcoolfreezeheating.
On Monday it will be winter.
On Tuesday summer takes over.
Then Wednesday's spring comes before Thursday's fall.
Friday's child better learn to tie his bootlace because all four seasons will probably rain, sleet, snow, and heat index his feet before Saturday has a chance to start the whole thing counterclockwise again.
Last week was a prime example. On Monday we woke up to freezing rain that turned leaves and limbs into glassy-looking ice sculptures and then broke out in a sweat when it was nearly 75 degrees on Tuesday at 3:19 p.m., Wednesday storming us into submission in a spring love/hates summer kind of way before-Ho, Ho, Ho-winter returned before the end of the week.
How's that working for us?
Look, I'm the last person wanting to put Punxsutawney Phil out of work. The man is a master of hole prophecy, delicately balancing shadows and light like some surreal artist.
I totally understand the very real science of Groundhog Day. Phil is the Einstein of hole-dwellers and his published works in the Library of Congress are tomes of thundering totality-weather-wise. His lectures at Harvard, Yale, and MUD (the Massachusetts University of Dirt, next door to MIT) are legendary.
YouTube Phil's global congress of groundhogs and listen to him explain, in layman's terms, how Stephen Hawking really doesn't get the whole hole thing.
Phil's got the kind of intellect you'd expect of a groundhog who's been able to convince human beings, and for decades, that he can predict an entire six weeks of weather.
But that was then, and this, obviously, is some other time.
Nobody can predict the weather anymore. Fact.
Here's the only accurate, honest weather forecast:
Tomorrow will be mostly weather, followed by increasing weather in the afternoon, with a heavy chance of even more weather tomorrow night.
The seven day forecast?
Weather, weather, weather, weather…I mean, you get the point, no need for three more days of weather.
We're going to get them anyway.
And don't even get me started on figuring out how we dress in the morning. The only sensible thing is to bring several changes of clothes to work and periodically re-dress as the day continues and the seasons change by the hour.
Or perhaps there is one job that will fit Phil to a T-shirt-clothes designer for the new fallsummerspringwinter fashion.
I'll give him a leg up on the competition by suggesting he cut one leg off every pair of trousers sold in the United States of America, and one sleeve from every shirt, too. Summer short sleeves on one arm, winter long sleeves on the other. Same thing for the pants.
Weather forecasters may not have a leg to stand on in this new world disorder. Like the rest of us, they'll be frozen one minute and half-baked the next. But at least they'll look the part.
The weather, after all, has become like a man holding a TV remote control, changing channels all the time.