No Death Star? Let's Try Ewoks

Published 4:23 pm Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Obama administration rightly used The Force on a request from more than 34,000 people to build a “Death Star.”

Despite the petition advocating the construction of a Star Wars-inspired space-based weapon of super-duper mass destruction, the administration did not even breathe heavily into a microphone.

Paul Shawcross, who advises President Obama on science and space, posted this reply on the White House website: the Death Star's estimated price tag of $850 quadrillion is too steep and, he noted, the Obama administration “does not support blowing up planets.”

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Excellent decision because the first planet human beings are going to blow up, if they blow up a planet, will be their own.



Boldly going bye-bye like no Earth has gone bye-bye before.

Smart nixing move on the Death Star.

But what about Ewoks?

I say the Obama administration would be better served to beef up our national security, and planetary defenses-were aliens ever to invade-by enlisting Ewoks.

Star Wars has much to offer our real world and Ewoks are infinitely more effective than a Death Star, and safer.

Doubt their bonafides?


These huggable teddy bear impersonators rule the Forest Moon of Endor, and that takes some doing, I can tell you. Who on Earth can say they rule a moon? Not NASA. Not the Pentagon. Not even Oprah Winfrey.

And Ewoks have been in a feature film and they were created by George Lucas on the day before he rested.

The Ewoks performed their duties in Return Of The Jedi so well, in fact, that they then starred in their own made-for-television films. The titles say it all: Caravan Of Courage: An Ewok Adventure and Ewoks: The Battle For Endor.

I mean, really. An entire caravan of courage. Not just a single wagon. The whole caravan. And of courage. Not Carpool Of Cowardice.

Ewoks have also earned their own animated series, and animation means they can move around a lot, which comes in handy when defending a moon like Endor. There are books and games, too. So Ewoks bring the whole package.

As you may recall, in Return Of The Jedi Ewoks played a vital role in destroying the Imperial shield generator, fighting off Imperial Stormtroopers and the Empire's AT-ST walkers. A big job for anybody but for animate teddy bears it defies description. I'll try anyway:


And these guys can party, as demonstrated by their festive response to defeating the Imperial bad guys. So they're not all work and no play. They're all Ewok and some play. I like that.

I also like that I never understood a word they were saying, which allowed me to imagine they were saying all the right things about thermal dynamics, defensive strategy and the air speed of coconut-laden sparrows. The full Monty, in other words.

Plus, if they're good enough for Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Princess Leia, they should be good enough for the United States of America.

Let's stick the Death Star where the sun don't shine-Punxsutawney Phil's groundhog hole.

There is just the one drawback.

Ewoks are reportedly fictional and the Star Wars film series isn't actual documentary footage.

But I think we can get around that.

If you won't say anything, neither will I.

More teddy bears and fewer Death Stars seems a nicer recipe for the future of us all.