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Another Idle Day At Work

(It's just another idle sort of day, so let's tune in as the music comes to a close as our three caricatures assess yet another would-be singing star.)

Randy: “Yo, Jennifer, is that how you bring it?”

Jennifer: “Not really, baby. I plug my voice to a synthesizer when I make music, do a little magic in the studio, throb a good beat, run around some streets in tight clothes for a video and, bang, I've got a hit.”

Steven: “Beautiful. That's just beautiful.”

Jennifer: “I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that. Did you say beautiful, baby Randy?”

Randy: “No, Cwog, that was Steven. Welcome back from the 70s, Steven.”

Steven: “You just move me, Jennifer. You're just so, so…wow, like beautiful. Life is beautiful. Art is beautiful. Music is beautiful. This Hollywood set is beautiful. Ryan's nose hairs are beautiful. (Breaks out in song:) You are so beautiful to me! Can't you see?”

Jennifer (annoyed at Steven's singing, changes the subject): “Hey, Randy, what's a Cwog?

Randy: “Yo, that's a combination between a cat, dog and a frog. It's a Cwog. That's what you say when you like someone who's in it to win it.”

Steven (dropping to his hands and knees, but continues the conversation): “Win what? We're all beautiful. Life is beautiful. Streetcars are beautiful. Friends are beautiful. Dust bunnies are beautiful. Mistakes are beautiful…”

Jennifer: “Let it go, baby. Get yourself off the floor. What are you looking for down there anyway?”

Steven: “My beautiful quarter I dropped last week. Did you know George Washington was…

Randy: “Dude, yes, we know, beautiful.”

Steven (still on hands and knees): “Yeah, man, awesome and beautiful. Nickels are beautiful. Shoelaces are beautiful. Gum under the table is beautiful-oh, sweet, that's where I left it. Beautiful, man.”

(Cue theme music)

Ryan: “So, judges, what did you think?”

Randy: “About what, dude?”

Ryan, “Contestant number 4,536 on our hit reality show.”

Steven: “She was…”

Ryan: “Yes, we know, Steven. She was beautiful.”

Steven: “Yeah. Beautiful.”

Jennifer (in a most caring, sweet look at the young woman): “I get the goosies every time you sing. And baby, you just look like a goo-goo doll tonight. We have better taste in fashion here in Hollywood than the rest of the country. Sixteen-year-olds can dress as skimpy as they want and everybody approves here. And, hey, I know fashion, even if I wear things no one can possibly move in. See these 15.37-inch purple and turquoise sling back heels?”

Ryan (working up a broader than usual grin, then steps in front of contestant number 4,536): “Ah, Jennifer, remember this is a crooning show not a fashion revue…but, by the way, what do you think of this $100,000 suit (tugs on collar) and my smile?

Jennifer (flashing her own pearly whites): “I just want to scrunch your little cheeks.”

Ryan (blushing): “Aw, Jennifer.”

Randy (interrupting): “Dude, who's in the house? Hello!”

Ryan (clearing his throat and ushering contestant Number 4,536 from behind him to the center of the stage): “Sorry, judges. Got blinded by the reflection in the camera lens. Yes, you devil, you look marvelous. Oops. Did I say that out loud?”

Ryan (clearing throat): “Randy?”

Randy (with a bewildered look): “What?”

Ryan: “What about contestant 4,536?”

Randy: Oh, I don't know man, it's all about song choice, bringing it every night. She sang her face off, but it just didn't work for me, though she's in it to win it.”

Steven (now-having given up on the quarter-back in his seat): “Huh?”

Jennifer: “Oh, Randy, baby, that's beautiful, but what did that mean? Are you stranded at the drive-in?”

Randy: “She rocked it, but grease is not the word here.”

Steven: “Huh? I don't know what you said, Randy, but that was beautiful. Just beautiful.”

Randy: “That's what I'm talking about.”

Jennifer (singing): “Ooh, baby, baby”

(And so it's time to shift out of idle into gear. Thanks panel for enlightening us. As Steven would say, you're just beautiful.)