The Casual Dog Conversationalist

Published 4:01 pm Thursday, February 16, 2012

(Do not attempt the techniques you are about to read about without consulting a professional and do not attempt them at home)

Good day, and welcome to The Casual Dog Conversationalist, with a Caesar Salad. Salads prepared? Let's start.

Today we address the concerns of a reader who owns a Pug and doesn't feel as if the dog acknowledges him to be the pack leader.

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As always, The Casual Dog Conversationalist seeks to achieve harmonic ambiance between people and dogs.


Interior design color schemes.


Floral art.

Background music.

Each is essential in establishing the desired balance when it comes to ambiance between people and dogs. Each contributes to the mood of the home and to the emotional state of both dog and person.

If you want to be the acknowledged pack leader you must demonstrate that you can create and maintain, in this case, the perfect Pug Cave. Any Pug will follow you to the ends of the earth, or the refrigerator-whichever is closest-if you can slam dunk the whole pack leader enigma by offering the perfect Pug Cave.

Discipline, obviously, is important.

This particular Pug has been taking, shall we say, relationship liberties with sofa cushions and throw pillows.

This is reckless behavior, clearly, and must not be tolerated. Allow the Pug to continue having its way with just whatever furniture softies are laying around does nothing to teach discretion and good, solid decision-making.

The solution, as you've no doubt already guessed, is not to yell and scream at this Pug to stop such randy behavior.

No, no. Screaming does nothing for ambiance.

Raised and rudely resonating vocal chords do nothing at all for that mellow mood of conviviality that lends itself to quality dog-human inter-species communication.

The worse mistake is to make the sofa cushions and throw pillows off-limits, or to remove them entirely from the room.

The answer is more sofas and more sofa cushions.

Tough love, yes, but buying the extra furniture, as rigid as it might seem, will pay off in the end with your Pug's clear understanding that you are the pack leader of the Pug Cave.

Additional throw pillows must also be acquired.

Different styles. Varying sizes. Try different shapes.

No, this Pug will not be coddled. It cannot continue courting the same pillows and cushions, as much as it might like to.

Remain strong.

You can do it.

Introduce the Pug to a variety of sophisticated choices from which to choose. Yes, the cost may run to several thousands of dollars, but that is, after all, a small price to pay for opening your Pug's mind to the importance of wise decision-making. Develop those intellectual skills and they will serve both of you well in the years ahead.

Spare the upholstery and spoil the Pug's life by making him think that he is leading the show at home.

After all, the road of excess, as the renowned poet and casual dog conversationalist William Blake once observed, leads to the palace of wisdom.

There will be skeptics, I know, but I have the benefit of experience, in addition to my intuitive canine reasoning skills, amply demonstrated on the DVD collection you may purchase at our website.

My own Pug thought our sofa cushions at home were knockdown gorgeous but after opening several charge accounts at every furniture store in town-and any business that dealt in pillows and cushions-and spending, well, less than $5,000, I am clearly leader of the pack at my own home.

There is no finer Pug Cave in the Heart of Virginia. The casual conversation is delightful. The ambiance just right. Floral art and music intertwine like two intertwining things.

The perfect place, in other words, to discuss the well-dressed sofa cushion with your Pug and eat a Caesar salad or two.

More croutons, Pugsley?