Run, Chapman, Run?

Published 4:10 pm Thursday, February 23, 2012

Super Tuesday is fast approaching for and it appears most voters aren't happy with the candidates for the upcoming presidential election cycle. Old Rob recently got this letter from the DRC and, well, I thought at the time it deserved some passing thought.

Dear Rob,

Read your column a few years back when you offered yourself as a VP candidate and organization central has a serious inquiry for you: Would you consider going for the whole enchilada? The DRC likes you and, from what we've seen of your leaked high school records, are convinced you're a principaled man versed in detention (why else did you spend so much time in the office over that snowball throwing incident?) and would nicely suit our law and order platform plank. Would you, might you-please, please, please-consider running for President of the United States? We really don't like the available options and, since the credible others aren't willing to toss a beanie into the ring (Christie turned us down), the DRC is left with the incredible option, you.

Email newsletter signup

We're just asking.

Bill Goodwin, President of Draft Rob Chapman (formerly known as None Of The Above)

You can see why I give pause to such a request. I am old enough for the job (39 and holding), can read and write a bit, like myself a lot, and am attuned to dafting catchy slogans: A Gallon Of Gas For Every Two Car Garage; Vote for Rob, He's Chaptastic; The Search For America's Tomorrow Ends Today; As The World Turns On Its Fear, Remember To Vote For The Chap-Man; Vote Chapman And Help the Young And The Successless; Chapman Will Bring The Best Days Of Our Lives; Chap The Dark Shadows…

Yep, I'm cleaning up on plenty of good ideas, a natural for the job, so maybe, just maybe, I could appoint an exploratory committee to weigh into this thing and see what comes out in the wash. At the least, I figured, I should let the DRC know that I would take in a squeaky clean ear full. So I wrote…

Dear Bill,

Thanks for the letter and your consideration. I am humbled by your kind words. If I am what the people want, then I must at least give it some consideration. I know time is running short to get the campaign wheels rolling, so perhaps I could meet with DRC leaders at your headquarters. With your war chest and my bankable persona, we just might be able to pull this thing off. Just let me know where we can meet and when.

Sincerely, Rob

I think I captured the proper degree of humility and sincerity, a difficult mix for any politician. Might just get to do this presidential thing after all if I can sell Bill. And, with this new haircut, perhaps I even look the part.

It's probably a good thing that Bill couldn't see me. Someone recently told me I have a face for radio.

And laughter followed.

Maybe I could just do radio and newspaper spots in this campaign thing and stay off of TV. As long as the DRC is financing the deal, perhaps we can get there from here. I could stand out from the crowd, go positive, debate the debatable, win the winnable…

I was rolling, but then, dear readers, I sadly got the letter-the one that dashed all hopes:

Dear Rob,

I think you err in assumptions, Mr. Chapman. The DRC's office is in my Meherrin home and the staff here consists of one, namely me. Sorry if I have misled you, but, really, I would genuinely like you to run for President. No one but you supports a three-day weekend 52 weeks of the year, proposes to observe Father's Day and Mother's Day every Sunday, and would declare the Redskins America's football team by executive order. As for health care, your idea of providing a box of Band-Aids for everyone patches the whole problem and is a lot less expensive than those other guys' ideas.

So, yes, I am only one voice, but won't you please run? I'll support you. Promise.


Bill Goodwin

P.S. If not you, would you please forward the request on to the Rafterthoughts guy? Love his humor. Just tell him it's from the DKW.

Oh, well, I guess it's hard to build a base on a single stone. There's always 2016.