A Visit From Jolly Town Ordinance
Published 4:29 pm Thursday, December 23, 2010
FARMVILLE – Twas the night before Christmas
And through their front window glass
People sought snowflakes or Santa,
No thought for their grass.
Mindful, they were, of ice and of slipping,
Concerned with their sidewalks, of tripping and flipping.
No daydreams of mowers,
No grassy cut clippings.
Nor leaves, sticks, dirt or other refuse,
Smelling, instead, a fragrant cooked goose.
Summer's yard work seemed miles far away,
As far as the farmer's newly mown hay.
When what to their wondering
Eyes should appear
But a new Town ordinance,
Instead of eight tiny reindeer.
No, they didn't open the shutters
and throw up the sash.
There was no thought at all
to June's lawn-mowing trash.
But they can be guilty
of a class 4 misdemeanor
That might find their wallet
or pocketbook leaner.
Gather yardwork refuse in containers, instead.
And you may lay peacefully down in your bed.
No, don't point your lawnmowers out toward the street.
Turn them away from sidewalks-be neat.
Let all of the grass fly up in your yard.
Push this way, not that way.
It isn't so hard.
Each day, understand, constitutes big new offenses
Of Sect. 22.1, so be on your defenses.
Speak not a word, but go straight to your work.
Make Farmville look pretty and don't be a jerk.
But I heard it exclaimed,
as day fell to night,
Of this new law be stern,
oh do not make light.
The handle of a rake, hold tight in your hand.
A wheelbarrow, too, might help your command.
So rake away, rake away, rake away all.
Adhering to duty and this law's new call.
Let the moon on the breast of your clean shaven lawn
Shine down on clean sidewalks and streets when you yawn
With a satisfied smile as you fall off to sleep.
I've beautified Farmville; I am not a creep.
Now Tom! Now, Dave! Now, Stephen and Tim!
On, Fred! And on, Donald! This is not a whim.
Spring to your mowers and cut with great care.
In hopes that Saint Summons soon won't be there.
But let me exclaim, 'ere I'm dragged out of sight,
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.
First, however, this news.
Farmville's town council amended a Town ordinance this month aimed at keeping town streets and sidewalks free of grass clippings and other flotsam and jetsam from yard work.
“It shall be unlawful,” the ordinance reads, “for any person to place or allow to be placed or to continue the accumulation of leaves, grass clippings, sticks, dirt or refuse, etc. from their house, business, yard or other property onto a public street, sidewalk, the grass strip between a paved sidewalk and a street, or into a storm sewer inlet or on an area that pedestrians would be expected to use as a public right-of-way.
“Such refuse shall be gathered into containers and collected with other refuse.”
But there is an exception for designated periods of leaf pick-up by the Town in the fall.
“Provided, however, that this provision shall not apply to the accumulation of leaves placed along the edge of the roadway in the public right-of-way during special collection periods designated by the town for collection of leaves.”
And, yes, each day the condition exists constitutes a separate offense. And any person violating any provision of this article shall be guilty of a class 4 misdemeanor.
At a public hearing this month, nobody spoke for or against the ordinance change, which was spurred primarily by some people cutting their grass with their mowers pointing out toward sidewalks and streets.
Town officials weren't pleased.
(Editor's note: apologies are deeply and sincerely offered to Clement Clarke Moore. The author fully expects a lump of coal on Christmas morning within his hung stocking for taking such liberties, but 'tis the season, after all.)
